Since the last day of Paro Tsechu I haven’t had much of sleep. The night before I could go to bed at 11 pm and wake up at 2 30 am. It was more than an hour’s drive to Paro. Along with thousands other devotees I had the blessing from the holly Paro Tsechu Thongdrel. When we returned to Thimphu, it was already past 9 am so I had to report directly to office.
That was 4 days ago. Since then I didn’t get enough sleep to rest my exhausted body. Day time in office and night time there’s always some problem with the system so I had to stay up all night. Today’s my fourth night of sleeplessness.
Sometimes I wish I could really lash out at somebody, or even cry to let out my frustration but when I think about it there’s nothing much I can do but resign to my fate. This is a life I have made for myself and can’t really blame anyone, like it or not. I can’t really call it a life because I haven’t been living for a long time now mostly due to that fact that I have been doing nothing a normal person does. Where I reside, there’s no clear distinction between a personal life and the professional one for I have jumbled up everything like a thick vegetable soup.
Friends are accusing me of not responding to their chat, not calling them and not keeping in touch but I have always excused myself, thinking “next time I’ll, as soon as I get time to” although that time has never come so far.
At this juncture of my life, I have neither friends nor foes because I have lost all my good friends and I never got time to make foes. At times I wonder if I am really living for I have become more of a robot oscillating between home and office and yet when I have the leisure I can’t rest because I feel restless, a void in me seeming like something is missing and I feel like a school girl having bunked the classes and scared of being caught by the teacher.
If only I could redo everything, bring my life to the normal track I have been traveling before, things would be so much simpler. …