I had hoped to start anew in New York by leaving behind San Francisco and Adam but it’s not happening so. Perhaps there’s nothing as forgetting the past and living the present because the good old memories refuses to leave me.
It’s been two months since I moved to NY with my two children, Brian and Elizabeth, leaving behind San Francisco and Adam and the memories. I thought I had made the right decision moving here not having to bump into Adam and Rachel (Adam’s new wife), every other day but now I realize it’s better than not to be seeing him at all because the kids and I, miss him terribly.
A decade ago, when we took the oath of ‘till death do us part’ I thought it was meant forever. Who would have thought my marriage was for a period of a decade only? Not the crowd gathered there in the town hall then, to witness the sacred ceremony, and definitely not the old priest that married us. Never had I in my wildest nightmare have seen this coming. Nevertheless, I am adjusting to the new life in which there’s no Adam in it. It’s hard on me and the children but there’s no other options open for us at this juncture of our lives.
The children at first were reluctant to part with their dad but a presence of a step-mother was not exactly a welcome sight for them. They preferred a new place, home and their mom to their dad with the step mom and hence agreed to move with me to NY City. The divorce is really taking its toll on the children and I wish I could have done something to save my marriage at least for the sake of the children but the damage has been done already and there’s a little that can be done to undo it.
Adam has always been a wonderful dad and he loves the kids dearly but maybe the love wasn’t enough to stay bound to me forever or maybe Rachel was too irresistible and his love for her exceed what he felt for the kids. Whatever the reason was, in the end, we couldn’t hold on to our marriage. My marriage failed in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do to save it. Horrible truths kept unfolding and with a couple of weeks the entire court procedure for the divorce was over. I was just a dummy there sitting beside my lawyer like a well behaved kid with a strict mother, while Adam had Rachel to support him, I had no one.
We didn’t want to do this to the kids but our marriage was a failure and we saw no point in staying together when we had so many indifferences. The children didn’t take it well at first. They had tough time getting used to the idea that their dad and mom aren’t going to be together anymore but somehow they are better now.
I can only blame myself for causing unhappiness to my children. If I couldn’t save my marriage, I had no right to marry in the first place. Although it was Adam who cheated on my first and then divorced me, I can’t blame him also. Maybe I have grown too unattractive for the years or maybe I wasn’t the same woman he married a decade ago; I must have changed for worse and that ‘new me’ may not have appealed to him. I have no right to blame anyone because my marriage didn’t work out, it’s my responsibility and I should have saved it when I had time though now is too late for regrets.
Having lived all my life in San Francisco, I still feel alien in this city. I simply can’t get used to the idea that this is going to home from now onwards but I can’t be selfish and think about myself only because the children are taking it harder than me and I have the job of convincing them that life’s going to be good here and I have to make it up to them.
Fortunately for me, I found a secretarial job with a big private law firm. My new boss considers himself lucky to have found me because I suited his purpose just fine with my children and my marital status. It seemed he was looking for an elderly married woman who doesn’t distract him and also be the object of his wife’s jealousy. He adores his wife and doesn’t want to risk his marriage because of some slutty do-nothing secretary in his office. So career wise I feel I am quite established here. My boss and I share a very professional relationship and it suits both our purposes well.
The kids have joined their new school and they say the school here is much better than the one at home in San Francisco and I am glad to say that they have made few new friends as well. There’s only one problem now. Since my work requires me to work for long hours (I don’t mind the hours since pay is good), the children at left at home all by themselves, so I am thinking maybe I should hire a babysitter….
To be continued..