I have reached the silver-jubilee of my life and yet when I look about myself there’s nothing significant about it. I am still unemployed, still dependent on my folks and siblings.
The other day I was just mentally asking myself what I have achieved in my life till now and I couldn’t come up with anything. The greatest possessions of mine are few certificates, my laptop and my hard disk bought at the expense of my parents. Except for few drapes of clothes, I have absolutely nothing and my zero bank balance does nothing to improve my condition.
I am very ashamed of my pathetic life. Except for little household chores, I do nothing at all to help those I am dependent on and yet I act so proud of myself sometimes, which of course is wrong in my opinion. For god’s sake, I should be earning and standing on my feet instead of depending on my parents for my livelihood.
Though my folks never complained once, I remember my mom sometimes saying, “Look Payday, that girl is your age and now she’s a mother of three”.
Not that I judge a person by the number of off-springs she can reproduce but of course my mom must have meant it in a different context. To her maybe, maturity is measured in terms of children but sadly I’d have to disagree with her on this matter. I’d never be envious of a woman with children.
Neither does marriage attracts me. I have this crazy notion that a woman can never achieve her dreams if she married and started family. Maybe that’s not necessarily true but I guess I am some sort of psycho commitment phobia person. Like every normal person I have a dream too. I dream of being an independent, successful and somebody in my life. But that dream might remain a dream only if I stayed idle at home everyday like I am doing now.
I am always this jumble of nerves whenever I attend any interviews because now I am desperate to do something. Maybe it’s high time I do something if only to kill time and prevent myself doing anything wild. Sometimes I fear I might turn into some rustic dork because of long hours of staying alone at home, with no social life at all.
Next time I find any job I just am going to get in with closed eyes. I am really feed up of waiting for the RCSC result also. I guess ‘beggars can’t be choosers”. I am definitely going to grab anything that comes my way. I can’t afford to let go of anything; not now, not ever.